After Life, Before Death
by mwendyr
Summary: The moment inbetween. Tag to To The Bone.


Thank you to everyone who reviewed for the story 'Mistletoe and Wine'. (**Podie1**, **blucougar57**, **shadowfang666** & **leahfaye**) Now that I've got my christmas one out the way, I can carry on with the original ones I'd planned to do. I've been dying to do this one for ages but I didn't want to rush into anything. See? I've been as patient as you guys. ;)

Summary: To The Bone episode tag. Mike struggles with himself after the death of a cop at his hands.

Pairing: Mike/Alex (as part of that series of mine that's HUGE)

Spoilers: To The Bone spoilers, it even includes dialogue from the episode so if you've not seen that one then please read at your own risk of being spoiled. Also some small spoilers for Proud Flesh.

Disclaimer: I don't own it. Never have, Never will. Shame though.

**After Life, Before Death**

The moment inbetween, the moment where you're not sure if you're dead or alive. That was the moment that happened between the bullet being fired into his chest and the drawing of his final breath. He was no longer living the moment that bullet tore at him, but he wasn't dead until he lost his breath. After death it was up to those close to him to grieve and mourn his loss. It was up to those responsible to feel the guilt and regret, and Mike Logan was pratically leading by example. He tried to tell himself that it had been an accident and even when Captain Deakins told him he was practically cleared by IAB, it didn't change the enormous guilt that pulled at his every being; he was still breathing.

The entire case from the word 'go' had been filled with horrific images of violence and death that even disturbed Mike's dreams, and he'd seen his fair share of blood-filled crime scenes. Mike only knew of one way of dealing with these things; avoiding, the way he always had but he'd changed so much in the last year and for some reason he was having more difficulty avoiding it now than he would have before. Before he'd been given a second chance at his career and before he'd met Alex Eames.

_"Support systems. Everybody needs one." _

The words from Dr Elizabeth Olivet rang through him like a wake up call. He'd only glanced at the picture of her and her family but she'd seen him do so and like the expert she was, she picked up on it's meaning and interpreted it for him. Did he have a support system? He'd never had one before so how was he supposed to know when he'd got one? It's not like there was neon sign flashing above his head... or hers.

Alex. He'd nearly lost her completely throughout everything, he'd nearly thrown that away without thinking. He had, thankfully, thought at the right moment and prevented it but he knew himself enough to know that that had been a miracle and he'd come with firing range of their relationship and nearly shot that dead too. That woman at the bar could've been the most convenient way to deal with everything; no strings attached, no emotions, no feelings. But he would've been wrong about that too, he'd have had to face his actions in the morning, along with his feelings.

Why did it have to be so damned hard? He'd really thought that he could save his life, the cop had just been doing his job, his duty and he'd just burst into the scene and shot him, blown his life away. Giving blood, rushing him to the hospital and checking up on him had been Mike's way of trying to deal with it, trying to save his life. Trying to prevent someone from coming out of the inbetween on the side of death; he failed.

_"Support systems. Everybody needs one." _

Was she chanting it at him? Mike's mind was becoming one of those giant mazes, the kind that you get lost in. Only, unlike Bobby Goren, his mind wasn't made up of coherent thought and intelligent wisdom - it was just Mike in there, all mixed up and confused. He'd been sitting in his apartment now for hours, mulling it over in his mind. Thinking about everything, his mother, Chesley Watkins, Alex, his partner, just about everything had been flashed before his eyes in no chronological order. His mother hadn't really entered his mind in years, he didn't want her there. He'd spent years trying to erase her memory from his mind, trying to push her to the back because she didn't mean anything and then all of a sudden she's back at the front of him mind because of Chesley Watkins, The Mother, the woman who'd raised all of the unwanted children. Another mistake he'd made was trying to trick her, instead of him making her confess she'd actually turned it around and made him look like an idiot.

Next to Mike, on the floor, was the empty bottles of bud; all of them had been consumed by Mike, he certainly didn't feel like sharing. There was nearly a bottle to every thought he'd gone over, everything he'd done wrong he'd tried to wash away with beer. Strange, how it wasn't working though, just making it seem worse. If Alex really was his support system that he needed her now before he took that final bottle and really did wash away for good. Everytime he heard a noise, a bang, a creaking sound, he would turn around to see if Alex had turned up to be his saving grace.

And everytime he'd been disappointed because every sound had just been that; sound. The sound the building makes as if it were alive.

_"Do you want them to take a swing at you instead, Mike? Is that why you tried to provoke your partner?" _

Hell, yes! That's what he needed, someone to hit him and knock some sense into him and, hopefully, knock it all out of him. But what he didn't want was it to be someone who he couldn't hit back, so Alex was out of the question because that would have the same affect as sleeping with another woman would have; end of relationship. Hence the reason he'd gone for his partner instead, she happened to be there and she would never have accepted his offer, which is why he asked her in the first place. He was practically asking to be punched but it hadn't worked. Why was Dr Olivet so good at interpreting everything?

Lowering his head to towards the ground he slipped himself into a twisted crouching position, feeling the need to be warm, and with no one to hold close to him, he chose to lift his knees up towards his chin instead. Sighing, a hard, tense and heavy sigh, he wished for one moment that he could take it all back, rewind time but he's no fool and he refuses to allow himself to think foolish and stupid thoughts that sound like they could've come right out of a H.G. Wells novel. Feeling something brush passed him, Mike opens his eyes to see a pair of legs standing in front of him.

Oh boy, he'd really lost it now. He was starting to have hallucinations, or at least, that's what he thought until he raised his head and saw the face of the person standing before him. She smiled and then knelt down to look at him directly in the eyes. Following her to his eye level he remained still and quiet, he didn't want to usher a sound for fear of it coming out like a muffled cry for help. Sitting herself down, Alex looked at the more-than-a-few bottles of beer around them; like stepping stones. "Is it helping?" she asked him, referring to the alcohol. Mike shook his head, no verbal response from him and Alex nodded, she'd expected as much. She knew what this was like, she'd experienced it a few months ago and he'd been there for her then. When she'd shot Chance Slaughter she thought she'd spiral out of control too, but then Mike seemed to be going a little further than her in that respect. She gave him a soft look and then she slowly moved towards him, wrapping her arms around him and placing his head on her chest. Instinctively he moved to wrap his arms around her and wordlessly they sat there together, holding one another as she allowed him to continue to be in his own thoughts until he felt like talking to her.

He could hear her heartbeat and he was suddenly feeling overwhelmed with relief; she still had hers, she was still alive and she wasn't in the in-between but then neither was he. "I didn't hear you come in." He spoke into her body, his voice muffled by the clothes she wore but she heard.

Alex nodded slowly, "Alcohol will do that to you." Mike knew she disagreed with getting yourself blind drunk but he also knew she understood that people did those things and she'd never judged him on it, which always surprised him.

Despite that, he had to ask, "You want one?" Alex let out a small laugh and so did he. It wasn't a happy laugh, it was the kind of laugh that's dry, and filled with sarcasm and unopened emotions.

_"Support systems. Everybody needs one." _And he had one; her.

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_So, what do you think? Was it good? I loved this episode and although I had nightmares the first night afterwards, I still watch it. _


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